Often, I find myself surrounded by darkness. Today’s one of those days. I think back to all the mistakes I’ve made, all the regrets I’ve created.

I’m useless, I know that. But in how many ways?

Its hard to survive in a world full of beauty and purpose. Its hard because all around me everyone knows what they want to do with their lives. Even those who are unsure of what their life purpose is, I’m one hundred percent sure they’ll figure it out eventually. On the other hand, I can’t even see myself passed 20.

They’re alive, happy, and enjoying life around me. I’m dead. I’m useless. A bother that is consumed by depression.

None of them wanted to die. Sure, they say things like, “I’m dead” or, “I feel like dying” but have they ever meant it. Unlike them, I’ve meant it before.Its almost been a year since I’ve tried to act on this meaning. Isn’t it funny how I tried to die on the day Jesus was born. Am I a devil? Did he figure out that I was and try to kill me? Everyone says hell is below us. Maybe that’s why I feel so much more connected to the earth than the sky.

I wonder how the lives of my loved ones would be affected if I left. I know it they wouldn’t be. Sure, they would cry for maybe a week. But after that, nothing would change. They would still wake up in the morning, go to work, eat, and sleep. Nothing would change if I leave this world.

Maybe living hell is better than the “life” I “live” now. Its probably so much more exciting. Maybe I would have a purpose there. I know I would have more of a purpose there than I do here.

Often, I’m surrounded by regret.

Often, I am covered in nothing but darkness.

Often, I want to die.

Never, can I bring myself to do it.

 

 

 

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