Often, I find myself surrounded by darkness. Today’s one of those days. I think back to all the mistakes I’ve made, all the regrets I’ve created.
I’m useless, I know that. But in how many ways?
Its hard to survive in a world full of beauty and purpose. Its hard because all around me everyone knows what they want to do with their lives. Even those who are unsure of what their life purpose is, I’m one hundred percent sure they’ll figure it out eventually. On the other hand, I can’t even see myself passed 20.
They’re alive, happy, and enjoying life around me. I’m dead. I’m useless. A bother that is consumed by depression.
None of them wanted to die. Sure, they say things like, “I’m dead” or, “I feel like dying” but have they ever meant it. Unlike them, I’ve meant it before.Its almost been a year since I’ve tried to act on this meaning. Isn’t it funny how I tried to die on the day Jesus was born. Am I a devil? Did he figure out that I was and try to kill me? Everyone says hell is below us. Maybe that’s why I feel so much more connected to the earth than the sky.
I wonder how the lives of my loved ones would be affected if I left. I know it they wouldn’t be. Sure, they would cry for maybe a week. But after that, nothing would change. They would still wake up in the morning, go to work, eat, and sleep. Nothing would change if I leave this world.
Maybe living hell is better than the “life” I “live” now. Its probably so much more exciting. Maybe I would have a purpose there. I know I would have more of a purpose there than I do here.
Often, I’m surrounded by regret.
Often, I am covered in nothing but darkness.
Often, I want to die.
Never, can I bring myself to do it.
http://thejusticegap.com/2014/06/case-alfred-moore-innocent-man-hang/ – picture
Shane,
Wow. Your are such a talented writer. I’m blown away by this piece.
I’d say that the biggest thing that struck me about this piece was how resigned to his own misery the narrator was. There was something so heartbreaking about the way he talked about dying as if it were like going to the grocery store–something ordinary and trivial. This was so heartbreaking to read, for I found myself wondering what exactly had happened to this poor person to make them want to die so badly?
I think that my favorite line in the whole piece was,
“Everyone says hell is below us. Maybe that’s why I feel so much more connected to the earth than the sky.”
Like. Wow. Reading that line honestly gutted me–there is something about the way you phrased this line so simply that just makes it so tragic–the simplicity of the actual line itself in contrast to the complex idea that the line actually talks about literally just takes the reader’s breath away.
In terms of improvement, the only thing I have to offer would be that there is the occasional grammatical error.
But, honestly? This piece is stunning.
-Hope